Orange is the New Black: Excerpts From The Time Hump Chronicles

My summer love, Orange is the New Black, has given us one of the greatest, most disturbing meta stories ever: The Time Hump Chronicles. Crazy Eyes’s erotic fiction that she penned for drama class is the highlight of the show’s third season, and makes me wish it was real. The closest thing we have to it is what the script writers came up with and had actress Uzo Aduba scrawl onto curly sheets of worn paper. That is “Suzanne Warren’s” actual handwriting, and Aduba has admitted that there is a full story written out there. Can we ever hope to read it in its entirety? Praise Norma that it may be so. Until then, I have done my level best to reconstruct what the show has actually revealed to us on the written page. This is no fan fiction. You will find no poster mock-ups or vampires, especially because they’re so derivative. This is the actual text as written by our very special Crazy Eyes.


THE TIME HUMP CHRONICLES:
Two People Connecting…With Four Other People…and Aliens

By S. Warren

Characters

Edwina, a freckled, busty robo-doll made of pee-proof metal who can move through time in only one direction and is able to outsmart an orgasmator, but is forced to participate in a blindfolded “Trial by Lovemaking”

Space Admiral Rodcocker, a time humper with a distinct birthmark and two penises, who pleasures beings in other dimensions and has cum that has extra life-sustainable protein; Edwina’s love interest, falls in orgasmator

Gillead (aka Gilly), a sweet and sensitive man, who exists in the past and is known to have the “purest soul in the universe”; Edwina’s love interest and Space Admiral Rodcocker’s rival

Lily Sprinkle, one of Edwina’s lovers who has a pee fetish

Sunflower, one of Space Admiral Rodcocker’s lovers who is known for having taken both Rodcocks at once, and is unlikable

Unnamed Vaseline Character, a man made of Vaseline with a tragic tale

Time Hump

Chapter 1

Edwina is introduced as the protagonist  who has sex with Admiral Rodcocker. She also knows and likes a young man named Gilly.

Screen Shot 2018-06-21 at 1.54.24 PM.png    Admiral Rodcocker entered the […] the Captain’s chair. The crew saw what was to cunt come next. “Everyone is dismissed.” said Rodcocker.

Clear The Bridge.
Duh! DUH!!
Purple love muscle [doodle of purple love muscle]
Except for U [b…].

[…] bridge was palpable and […].  […] behind the final crew was […]
were alone. They had […] what can’t […] appendage […].

“Her three holes opened, ready to be explored by his swollen pangoline”

“The Admiral thrust his pork sword into her squish mitten.”

Chapter 2

Edwina has romantic feelings for both Admiral Rodcocker and Gilly, and must choose between them!
Screen Shot 2018-06-22 at 1.56.52 PM.png
Rodcocker broke away from the kiss.

“Are you okay, my sweet comet?” Rodcocker said. Edwina grabbed Rodcocker by his joystick :). “C’mon, Rodcocker. […] rocket to blast off”, said Edwina with a wink. Rodcocker […] and reached for the control panel. He tapped on the [p…] with the grace of a dancing […]. […] resting of on the Captain’s chair began to lift into the […]. The control panel [read]: “Artificial Gravitiy: Off.” Edwina looked at Rodcocker with […]. “I thought it was impossible to make love in space. Scientists and […] astronauts before we have proven it. Let’s boldly go where no lovers have gone before.Rod cocker reported […] sly grin. Edwina closed her eyes as Rodcocker’s forked tongue […] down her neck. The goosebumps […] of her neck […]. […] which he hadn’t felt since she timehumped  the Grand […] during the Spanish Inquisition. […] squealed in […]. Rod. Cock. Eerr…floated […]. […] behind Edwina and unzipped her uniform revealing […] love for space underwear. He pulled her close and she […] of […] approved man meat was pushing against her s[…]. “[…] prepared to board,” Rodcocker whispered in her […] and slipped lower and lower on Edwina’s body until he finally reached the final frontier […] was a smoooooth celestial body until […me]finally reach the humid climate. Rodcocker attempted to bend Edwina over but she protested. She spun around in zero-g to face […] “I DON’T WANT TO BE FUCKED. I want to be loved”, she said. […] to him that he could […].

Chapter 3

Edwina has left Admiral Rodcocker for Gilly, primarily because Rodcocker is never fully present when he is with Edwina, since he is also concurrently with other women in other dimensions. Unnamed Vaseline Character appears as part of a brief and tragic arc.

Chapter 4

Edwina is involved in a “trial by lovemaking”, during which she does not know one membrane from another. At some point before or after this trial, Edwina rejects Gilly (and her chance of true love) in order to go back to Rodcocker, just for the sex. Rodcocker then falls into an Orgasmator. Edwina is challenged with outsmarting the Orgasmator in order to free him.


Maybe that wormhole will open for Rodcocker again, and we will get more chapters from that sweet, sick brain. You know I’ll be watching Netflix with the pause button ready, just in case.

Doctor Who: River Song’s Timeline Put in Order

Leave it to Moff to take an fun and dynamic Doctor Who character like River Song and make her backstory gobsmackingly confusing. After re-watching the series many times, I still twist my arms around each other pointing to an invisible air timeline when trying to sort out where River’s been and when. To help sort out the jumble of Melody Pond’s life, below is a reconstructed chronology.

(Do I really need to say “Spoilers”!?)

Liquid Baby

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Melody Pond was born to Amy Pond and Rory Williams on an asteroid called Demon’s Run, where Amy was being held captive. The baby was named for Amy’s childhood pal, Mels. Shortly after her birth, Melody was spirited away by Madame Kovarian, leaving a baby ganger in her place, unbeknownst to Amy (well, at least until the ganger liquified). Before the baby ganger went to goo, baby Melody was able to meet the Eleventh Doctor for the first time through her link with the ganger.

Orphanage of the Damned

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Melody was kidnapped by Madame Kovarian and The Silence in order to train her to assassinate The Doctor. Because she had been conceived in the Time Vortex (though how Madame Kovarian knew that for sure is a little creepy, amiright?), The Silence believe she has special Time Lordy abilities, including regeneration, cleverness, etc.

So what do they do with her? The Silence dump her in the Graystark Hall Orphanage in 1960s Florida ( Oh THANKS, The Silence!), presumably while keeping very close tabs on her and continuing her training / wiping her memory repeatedly.
Continue reading “Doctor Who: River Song’s Timeline Put in Order”