UPDATED! To include the new Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life episodes!
From the sick mind that ranked every episode of modern Doctor Who, comes the biggest, dopest, Stars Hollowy-ist ranking of every last freakin’ Gilmore Girls episode ever made–all 157.
This was no easy feat, mind you. Ranking these episodes required months of re-watching every season (for the upteenth time) and countless hours of careful thought, criticism, and plenty of coffee, my friends. Let me tell you right off the bat that I’m a Jess fan, and I thought Digger wasn’t so bad. There. Phew. I got that out there. And Christopher? King of the Ruiners. I hate him the way Taylor hates the long-haired town troubadour (I just start pulling at my hair and mumbling to myself about vegetable soup, carts, kiosks, and cart-kiosks.). But more than focusing on a single character, I did my best to weigh how much I enjoyed each episode, and how much they fit in with the show and characters that we know and love. Lorelai playing racquetball? No. Mrs. Kim serving tofurkey? Yes. Rory going to the gym? No. Taylor convincing the town to build a giant haybale maze? Yes.
If you’ve ever “been to” Stars Hollow, I really hope you enjoy the trip down memory lane as much as Kirk enjoys crinkle-cut carrots. So, sit back and turn up the BooZoo Barnes, and get ready to completely disagree with my heavily subjective (yet clearly perfect) list.
This list is dedicated to my little sister Meri, without whom I never would have traveled to Stars Hollow, and who sadly did not live long enough to see the “Year in the Life” episodes.
157. “Go Bulldogs!” (season 7, episode 6)
This episode is so badly written that it’s just damn hard to watch. Christopher is cheesy, Lorelai is a giant petulant child, and Rory is self-important. Not feeling it. And all those creme brûlée “to die for” jokes? [gag] [blurp] are like something out of a corny 60’s sitcom. Not one scene of this episode works, and the series would be better if it never existed.
Awkward Suspension of Reality Moment: The idea that Rory would have “fans”, being an undergraduate student editing a student newspaper for one semester–especially not to the extent that other parents recognize their names. Nope.
Lorelai’s Been Hit With the Stupid Stick Moment: She is practicing French without really trying and with a cartoonish accent. I’m sorry, hasn’t she already been to France and other francophone nations?
Lorelai’s Been Hit With the Stupid Stick Moment #2: “Extra Provost on that, please!” Tons of points lost for: Having to watch Luke’s wretched date with the really horrible gross swim coach.
SUPER points lost for: A cappella groups. They made me listen to fucking a cappella groups! My ears! They bleed!
156. “A Vineyard Valentine” (season 6, episode 15)
Taking us out of Stars Hollow was always a really bad idea. Then add in a splash of Luke acting like a complete grumpy dickface, not to mention a social spazz (who brings food rations on a romantic weekend?). Seriously, everything about Luke in this episode is what I hate about this character. Complete insensitivity and rudeness. Buy her a present, asshole. Don’t you love her even a little? Then throw in a zippity-pow of Rory being so fake, playing “Look, I’m a fuckin’ Real Housewife” with Logan. Since when does Rory like to cook big dinners? Or go to the gym? The GYM?? No she doesn’t like to do any of those things, and, frankly, without Lorelai there to keep her company, what is it she does at the gym while Logan’s shooting hoops? I bet she sits in a corner nibbling the ends of her hair and praying she never gets poor. This episode makes me angry and depressed all at once. I’m smad.
Points lost for: Lorelai’s really tacky and unfunny spermaceti jokes.
Points awarded for: I would normally say Boozoo Barnes and his zydeco band, but fuck this episode and this season. No points awarded.
155. “French Twist” (season 7, episode 7)
You feel sticky? Because this episode is full of sap! (Ha, get it? I made a funny.) Some of the sap is sweet and moving, like Mrs. Kim’s reaction to the pregnancy news. But most of it is a little gross. First of all, Lucy and Olivia are terrible fake friends with whom Rory doesn’t seem to have anything in common with, or even like very much. In fact, they seem to just be using Rory for her cool apartment and country house. So I’m not really moved by their road trip to dye their hair and make Rice Krispies treats, especially since Rory’s realistic meltdown might have been touching was it done in the company of anyone who actually cared about her. I bet you’re wishing you had actually made real friends now, eh Rory? Ach, I’m surprised they didn’t dust off Madeline and Louise just for this episode. Lorelai’s sappiness is the worst, though. She spends her time in Paris mocking the French and worshipping a douchebag man-child who never learned to use condoms, and ditched her with a daughter to raise. So, no, Lorelai, I don’t think it’s all that sweet that he gave you some pizza from his pocket. You know what would’ve been sweeter? Child support.
Awkward Suspension of Reality Moment: Yeah, even with money, there’s no way an American who speaks no French can instantly arrange for waiters and chefs to appear at a restaurant at 4 or 5am. I call more Tito bullshit (see: “But I’m a Gilmore”)
Lorelai ‘s Been Hit With the Stupid Stick Moment: Her pantomiming of hunger is embarrassing. Can’t she point to the bread or something? Again, she’s been to Paris before!
Bonus points awarded for: Rory had a meltdown and didn’t run away!