The Haunted Coconut

Doctor Who: River Song’s Timeline Put in Order

Leave it to Moff to take an fun and dynamic Doctor Who character like River Song and make her backstory gobsmackingly confusing. After re-watching the series many times, I still twist my arms around each other pointing to an invisible air timeline when trying to sort out where River’s been and when. To help sort out the jumble of Melody Pond’s life, below is a reconstructed chronology.

(Do I really need to say “Spoilers”!?)

Liquid Baby


Melody Pond was born to Amy Pond and Rory Williams on an asteroid called Demon’s Run, where Amy was being held captive. The baby was named for Amy’s childhood pal, Mels. Shortly after her birth, Melody was spirited away by Madame Kovarian, leaving a baby ganger in her place, unbeknownst to Amy (well, at least until the ganger liquified). Before the baby ganger went to goo, baby Melody was able to meet the Eleventh Doctor for the first time through her link with the ganger.

Orphanage of the Damned


Melody was kidnapped by Madame Kovarian and The Silence in order to train her to assassinate The Doctor. Because she had been conceived in the Time Vortex (though how Madame Kovarian knew that for sure is a little creepy, amiright?), The Silence believe she has special Time Lordy abilities, including regeneration, cleverness, etc.

So what do they do with her? The Silence dump her in the Graystark Hall Orphanage in 1960s Florida ( Oh THANKS, The Silence!), presumably while keeping very close tabs on her and continuing her training / wiping her memory repeatedly.
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The Big Bang Theory is the WORST: A Nerd Takes a Stand!

I’ve gotten sucked into the trap before. I’m spending a casual evening with neighbors or family and in the background, some TV starts to show a rerun of The Big Bang Theory. “Oh!”, they declare excitedly, “Isn’t this show the greatest? Do you guys just love Sheldon?” No. No I don’t love Sheldon. No I can’t even bear to watch this insipid, insulting tripe without making rude comments. And when this truth bears out in front of them–eye rolls and scoffs emoting wildly from my face–they act shocked and surprised. “We thought you guys would love this the most!”

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