I Want to Punch the TD Ameritrade Commercial Guy in the Beard

If you watch a lot of television, especially CNN, as I do, then you know the bearded TD Ameritrade douchebag. He patronizes women, telling them that their life savings is a fortune (….ha, as if! Watch him try not to giggle at their poorness). He therapizes stay-at-home moms condescendingly and, I assume fraudulently, because who the hell is a financial therapist, you creeper? And he does it all while talking out of his fussy beard. I hate that beard. I really want to punch that financial stalker straight in the beard.

Since I can’t do that since that would mostly mean punching my TV which might then weeble-wobble right off the table and break forever, I have developed a solution. I give you, the TD Ameritrade Creeper Beard Dartboard!

TD Ameritrade Dart Board.jpg

Rules: Play darts as you normally would, but you get 50 points if you hit him in the beard.


    1. Dear Melania,

      My poor television set totally agrees with your anti-violence stance, and encourages all to play more darts. Glad you find him hot, I mean, to each her own, but to me, he’ll always be a creeper who secretly lives in a van.


  1. Ha, feel the same, will never use Ameritrade because of their Marketing department turned me off so much with all of these commercials talking to everybody (and the viewer) like they’re idiots.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear John,

      I completely agree and caution the public never to trust a pervert-bearded financial advisor who invites them into a billiards den / beaver trap, and then asks the ladies to show him their “golf swings”. Wink, wink. I will, however, point out that there are no points in darts for hitting the beard dartboard with a golf club like I would like to do.


  2. No! I wanted to find out the Ameritrade actors name because he is so GREAT , I’m amazed anyone would criticize him. For me he seems genuinely smart, understanding and helpful.


    1. I think I understand the problem: I believe the beard has some hypnotizing properties for some portion of the population. The problem is that he is but an actor, and not actually a financial guru of any sort. So while his beard may be quite hypnotic and enticing, please remember that he is only parroting lines that are, presumably, fed to him by the two cockroaches living in his beard.

      Your support and praise does come to the relief of his beard cockroaches, who are grateful to have at least a few people not throwing darts at an effigy of their bristly home.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I googled “I hate the Ameritrade guy” and found this. Your analysis of his character was spot-on. Shouldn’t Ameritrade reconsider this approach? The worst is the one with the woman who thinks she and her husband have a fortune — the husband colluded with Mr. Creepybeard in treating her with indulgent condescension. UGH!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Theresa,

      TD Ameritrade is still in language development training for how to talk to “the poors”. And women. And beard trimmer salespeople.

      We wish them the best in their pursuits of human decency…and finding the cellar where the beard guy has stuffed the vegan mom, golf lady, bull-running lady, poor lady, and even the guy who is freaked out about people misspelling his name.


  4. I absolutely love this guy!

    I’ve never commented in my life on any ads–many of which are lousy–I want to give a special shout-out to this guy.

    The ads are quirky and definitely get my attention.

    Joan McEwen, Labour Arbitrator
    Vancouver, Canada


    1. Dear Joan,

      You are certainly not alone in your adoration, and I have previously postulated on the likelihood that his beard has very specific hypnotic properties, to which, you are, apparently, susceptible. However, I caution you that should you meet this man in real life, or any of his beard cockroaches, resist the temptation to join him on his financial therapy couch. Woman to woman. This is sound advice.

      Thank you for commenting!


  5. This guy is one of those repulsive appearing things that has a buggish aspect, and who immediately stimulates core revulsion with his bearded arrogance. He has the bearing of someone who finds himself authoritative and attractive, yet he is anything but. The odious shrubbery is supposed to lend him something he does not have, and that he wears it so confidently show you how oblivious he is to his own repugnance. His demeanor, coupled with his appearance, is like a visual repellent. Can’t you just see him in the morning mirror, preening himself, and thinking how spiffy he looks…..seriously — Ameritrade: who falls for this crap?


    1. Interesting take, J. If being angered by a mansplaining pervert-bearded charlatan is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. I accept the title you have bestowed upon me, and wear it with douchey pride.


      1. When a man, whose job it is to explain his field of expertise to persons who come to him for said expertise, explains something, it is not mansplaining. Perhaps you might consider not being pissed off by the wrong things. His character seems genuinely safe and neutral and kind to me. Perhaps you were frightened by a beard as a child?


      2. Dear Crystal,
        Safe and neutral he may be, but he also is quite patronizing in both his tone and his explanations to women in more than one of the ad spots. And that, kind Carol, is the difference between explaining and “mansplaining”. However, I take your point about being “pissed off”, and point out that I enjoy being irked by right things, wrong things, up things, down things. You, have though, intrigued me with the idea of beard trauma. Hmmm. Maybe I need beard hypnosis to uncover the truth!

        Thank you for reading.


  6. I can’t believe how unbelievably funny this article is. This should’ve gone viral by now. These commercials (and this jackwagon) remind me of the Saturday Night Live sketch where a spokesperson made veiled declarations and at the end, the company’s slogan was “even we don’t know what we do.” Bravo!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Some people have vividly accusatory imaginations like the cocoanut person. In no way is the bearded guy seemingly a “pervert”. The beard is supposed to represent an educated and knowledgeable person who knows what they are talking about and he does it well. I’m sure no cockroaches lurk in his beard but possibly in the brains of those who see malice in this commercial.


    1. Dearest Phil,

      You have a fascinating take. I am not certain how beards are supposed to represent wisdom or education, anymore than they could represent perverts. Beards are masses of hair on a person’s face. So you are hoisted by your own petard!

      For reference, the pervert part is assigned to his facial hair, because he seems like a creeper. Ergo, I could say that he has pervert glasses and pervert sweaters. That happens when creepy beardos make moves on their lady clients who ask for advice and help. (And then stuff their bodies in a cellar under the pool table.)

      The cockroaches are self-explanatory. They live in there and feed on crumbs and whiskey smeared inside the hair jungle. As for my brain? Who the hell knows what lives in there. I mean, I’m not ruling anything out.

      Thanks for reading!


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