The Classes of the Indoor Housecat: Felinus Fluffibutticus

I’ve finally cracked it, people–the previously inscrutable code of cat archetypes. Cat-kind has long been deliberately enigmatic. Such a nature is what makes them endearing, yet dangerous companions/overlords. I have spent forty years (yes, I confess this to you in the name of science) observing cats in their natural elements: Blankets, laps, sunny windows, keyboards, food bowls, etc. It has, indeed, taken me this long and the observation of several subjects of varying breed and background in order for me to crack the code and distinguish cat personalities so that one might classify them according to archetypes.

My findings are astounding. First, one must acknowledge that it is universally known and accepted that all cats are females (just as all dogs are males). Genitalia and reproduction do not alter this fact. It is known. Second, I share with you now the discovery that all indoor housecats fall into at least one of five basic archetypes. I have described them below for your better understanding.

1. Mother Hens

The Mother Hen cat is the caretaker of other cats, but not necessarily people. If a cat is sick or dirty, or just young, the Mother Hen will bathe her head and other bits to remove offending odors. The Mother Hen is also likely to cuddle kittens or sick cats. She does not shy from her job, though it can be a burden and very tiresome. A Mother Hen need not actually be a mother for this personality to develop, though such traits will commonly not emerge until the onset of adulthood. Mothering cats may or may not develop a favorable relationship with humans, and do not necessarily need to care for the furless ones.

2. Hidden Cats of Scaredy Pantsington

We have all met one of The Hidden at some point or another, and hopefully we do not have them in our own homes, for while some cats have a greater disposition toward being scaredy pants, such a personality trait is often the result of mistreatment. Sorry, this isn’t to say that a scaredy cat has been abused. Sometimes an environment can be entirely wrong for a cat–perhaps too much noise, an overly tidy spouse, children who are handsy, or humans who try to apply rigid rules to felines. Cats, clearly, are not meant to be managed or taught lessons. When a cat feels consistently threatened or harassed, then even a pre-determined archetype will be eschewed for the Hidden Cats of Scaredy Pantsington model. That said, some cats are wired to embrace the ways of the Hidden Cats more readily than others. And even a very secure and happy cat may have been transformed into one of The Hidden during a previous living circumstance. Worry not, with love and affection, some quiet, and lots of treats, your scaredy cat may develop other facets to her personality.

3. The Generalissimo

This is your basic dictator model. A cat who has amazing physical prowess, aggressive confidence, and the ability to work through puzzles is a member of the Generalissimo brigade. Such a cat may express affection for humans or other cats, but is still likely to pounce, scratch, bite, or chase. Most little Generalissimos exhibit higher levels of intelligence and express behavior similar to the raptors from Jurassic Park. You may also have the uncanny sense that your cat is marshalling the other cats and pets to serve their whims–stealing food, framing the dog for crimes, convincing the guinea pig to weet-weet at feeding time (oh, it’s happened). This basic cognitive superiority is important to not only their confidence, but also to compensate for physical decline later in life. One she has trained her army of minions, she need not tackle them in order to make her will known–a withering glare will suffice.

4. Clingy Cuddle Blobs

This is a fairly uncommon feline class, but exists primarily in those cats who reject the other precepts of cat behavior. The Clingy Cuddle Blobs seek to smother humans with affection and cover them with a sphere of heat, and that is all. Such cats are not interested in caring for other animals, nor are they scared, nor are they inclined to hatch a plot. Playing is overrated, as is walking. Sunshine is a nice diversion when humans won’t settle down, but a good human lap is the best thing for a Cuddle Blob. They are especially fond of strangers who don’t like cats or are allergic to them. A Cuddle Blob can sense this immediately, and once convinced that said visitor will not hassle them, they will immediately move to lay across the person’s lap or arm or head. Due to such a deliberately inactive lifestyle, this cat will often be fairly rotund, or “fluffy”.

5. The Weird

The Weird is a very special class of cats and is the least understood of all–by design. The Weird exhibit behaviors that defy logic, reason, and sometimes even physics. While they may actually hatch plans and be extraordinarily intelligent, the focus of any such plans can never be worked out by our simple human brains. For example, a weird may encircle a bed with socks every night for exactly one month, and then never again. A Weird may seem to be in multiple rooms at once. A Weird may form seemingly unhealthy attachments to people, animals, things, or shadows. I’ve suspected at least one of my Weirds of time travel. Now, a Weird need not be hyper-intelligent, though it is more typical. This class can be very affectionate, and very rarely aggressive. Typically, this is a passive, peaceful class that is more interested in the invisible things in the corner than causing trouble. Unfortunately, people sometimes attempt to train or trick their cats into appearing Weird for the sake of video phones or photos. The ineffable qualities of The Weird cannot be taught. It is an archetype that is established at birth and may never be undone.

Have you yet discovered your kitty’s class? At least one of these should apply to every cat, though I will note that there may certainly be overlap between classes. As noted in our diagram above, there are specialized sub-classes to which any cat may be naturally inclined. This I submit to you for your study and appreciation. Please refer to this chart upon welcoming another cat into your home so that you may respect their machinations and desires. All hail our furry overlords.

The West Wing Drinking Game!

I can’t be the only one who is charging through (yet another) re-watch of The West Wing right now. The TV show’s peppy little theme song and rosy outlook on the political landscape and condition of America is just what we need to deny reality with zeal and vigor. And since we’re all imbibing as another measure to deny reality, why don’t we combine the two sports into one jolly activity? Therefore, I give you THE WEST WING DRINKING GAME!

Remember to drink responsibly, and never ever drive after drinking. If some episodes are just too out-of-hand, don’t forget to sub in some water, or you’ll end up like Josh, wearing fisherman’s waders and showing up at Donna’s apartment at midnight swearing at her cats. With any luck, we’ll all be singing The Jackal within just a couple episodes. Cheers to you and yours!

Percy Shelley and His Insane Love Triangle, Most Scandalous

Percy Shelley. You know him as one of those poetry dudes.

He was a privileged young English poet in the 1810s, who had a progressive, yet romantic voice that attempted to influence religion and politics. But, his very brief life was full of secrets and intrigue that eclipse anything he put down on paper. Percy Shelley was at the heart of one of the most mysterious, scandalous love triangles recorded in history. Many women. Two wives. Pregnancies. Deceit. Money. Extortion. Mysterious Death.

What you are about to read is the account that you won’t find in any classroom textbook. This is the story of Percy Shelley and his insane love triangle, most scandalous.

Before the Ladies: Little Percy Breaks All the Rules

Percy Shelley was the first-born child of seven, whelped into a prosperous family with grand expectations and the means to make them happen. He came into this world in 1792, the sire of a member of British Parliament. He was a lucky child who had the breeding and coin to toil his life as a poet, and man, did he meet that opportunity.

Percy Shelley young.jpg

He was known to be a delicate flower who was oft bullied at Eton College. He was a vegetarian, liberal, proponent of sexual freedom, and probably a pampered brat who wasn’t like the other boys. Though that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. While most boys were burning toads and playing grab-ass, Percy had published two gothic novels and two volumes of poetry, all before he had come of age.

By 1810, Percy enrolled at University College, Oxford, where he quickly found a disciple in a classmate named Thomas Hogg. The two wrote together (and if we’re honest, probably explored the notions of sexual freedom quite closely), eventually penning a  pamphlet entitled The Necessity of Atheism, which ultimately got Percy expelled from school. His family was fuming with outrage and demanded he tow the line. Percy would do nothing of the sort, and was cut off from his family and their pocketbooks.

This sets the stage for a life of juggling his passionate, artistic nature along with his more practical needs for income and survival. Never able to reconcile these two sets of needs, Percy would embark on a life where he is pulled around by purse strings, emotion, and pleasure.

Continue reading “Percy Shelley and His Insane Love Triangle, Most Scandalous”

LOST: The Island, Smoke Monster, and Everything Else Explained

Most series finales are awful.

Seinfeld was absurd. M*A*S*H was depressing. The Sopranos didn’t have an ending. And [sigh] Game of Thrones didn–GODS, Bran did not have the best story, and that is not why you make someone a King, especially because he was the villain the whole time and they’re all going to suffer and die now and it’s the WORST!

I’m okay, really. But we need to address LOST.

Its series finale lives in infamy for its vague conclusion and lack of payoff. But if we’re telling truths, the problem is that most viewers just did not understand the finale. Which means they probably didn’t understand the whole show. I get that it was easy to miss big chunks of the plot–the seasons were spread over long hiatuses, and a swaths of viewers thought they could just jump into the show in the last season and fairly judge it. But the confusion has led to a lot of backlash and a thick tarnish on the show’s legacy.

So I’ve decided to put on my dot-connector hat and go through the series in chronological order. I want to lay it all out so that we can demystify the writing and pick at the show’s carcass for all of the answer morsels we crave.

First, I have a story to tell–a story that is the backdrop for every single plot-line and mystery on The Island. It’s an ancient story that begins it all.

[Begin storybook voice.]

Once Upon a Time, About 2,000 Years ago…

A lady, named Allison Janney, watched over a mysterious island with a magical light at its core, protecting the light and the island from outside invaders. Some such invaders brought her twin boys (whose mother she murdered). One of these boys, Mib, was clever but also devious and overly curious about the power of the light. The other boy, Jacob, was much more loyal, but simple-minded.

(For the sake of our tale we will refer to the “Man in Black” as “Mib”.)

Lost allison janney

One day, when Allison Janney discovered that grown-up Mib was digging a well and building a wheel to harness the magic light, she destroyed the project and offered some quick blessings on the twins. First, she used magic to prevent them from ever killing each other. Second, she made Jacob her successor as Island Protector and warned him never to go into the cave of light, for it would mean a fate worse than death.

Shortly after this, an irate Mib murdered Allison Janney. This riled simple Jacob, who flung his brother into the magic light cave, turning him into a shape-shifting smoke monster.

Through the millennia Jacob and Mib lived on (in a sense), hating each other. Various ancient invaders on The Island worshiped the Smoke Monster as a deity and sought to summon him, though it is likely that Mib could not simply be summoned.

The pair also had an ongoing tedious philosophical debate about whether man is inherently good or bad. This prompts Jacob to lure people to The Island to test their character. He has also been looking for his replacement. Mib has vowed to find a way to kill Jacob and any of his replacements.

The entire show is this–two brothers fighting, and killing, and searching. Everything else is a byproduct of these two ancient men.

Why is the show so confusing?

It seems numbing to boil such an intense and mysterious show down to two bickering brothers. Truly, had anyone known this at the outset of the show, no one would have watched it. The suspense was the thing that kept us coming back, and in order to achieve such elaborate layers of mysteries and contradictions, the writers employed two basic strategies:

  1. The show is almost entirely told in reverse chronological order. We had to wait 8 seasons to get all the way back to Jacob and Mib. It took 3 seasons to even start to look at the 1970s & 1980s Dharma era. The whole show’s flow more or less goes: 
    2004 > 1990s-2000s > 1970s-1980s > 100 AD. With a sprinkling of 1950s and 1860s thrown in. So when the plane crashes, we’re actually seeing the end of a story (well, nearly).

  2. Sloppy writing. I’ll admit how disheartened I was to discover that the writers never had a clear plan carved out from the start. They were pretty much winging it and stretching out parts of seasons (or chopping them up) depending on network needs. If the show was done by more thoughtful writers as, say, a Netflix series today might be, there would be a lot less ambiguity. Or that’s what I tell myself.

Let’s Put the Show’s Timeline in the Right Order

Pre-Jacob & Mib: Unknown Eqyptians inhabiting The Island build the Statue of Taweret.

c.100 AD: Jacob and Mib are born on The Island. Allison Janney is the current Island Protector. Within 30 years, Allison Janney is killed, Jacob becomes the new Island Protector, and Mib becomes the Smoke Monster.

smoke monster Locke

Continue reading “LOST: The Island, Smoke Monster, and Everything Else Explained”

American Expats in Ireland: Ways in Which Life is Just a Bit Different

Hello, Americans. If you’re thinking of moving to Ireland, or maybe just visiting for a nice long time, there are some cultural and day-to-day differences that may throw you for a loop. Some of them are obvious–like driving on the left and not pulling a gun on people in traffic. But there are more subtle changes you’ll experience, and it’s helpful to know what you’re getting into before you order a sandwich with extra mustard, drive on bald tires, go hunting for Tylenol, or renew your Amazon subscription.

Irish life is just a bit different. Here’s how:

Food

  • AT HOME: Say goodbye to a lot of the frozen and “convenience” foods you’re used to–Cool Whip, pizza rolls, Bisquick, Jell-O, crescent rolls, cinnamon rolls in a tube, cream of mushroom soup. You’ll need to get back to basics for a lot of your home cooking–learning how to make pie crust from scratch, whipping your own cream, and roasting root vegetables in the oven.
  • FAST FOOD: It’s not nearly as common here. Most big cities will have a McDonald’s, Subway, and a Domino’s Pizza. Maybe even a Burger King. The most popular and common fast food restaurant is Ireland’s own Super Macs. That said, fast food just isn’t a regular staple. Prepare to say goodbye to Arby’s, KFC, Wendy’s, and Taco Bell.
  • BREAKFAST: Forget waffles and French toast. Pancakes as you know them are also gone, unless you find someone advertising  “American-style” pancakes, and they’re usually awful. Cereal is still an option, but you’ll have fewer choices–and be warned, regular Cheerios are very sweet here.
  • SNACKS: You can’t go anywhere in Ireland without seeing a bag of Taytos, which are Irish crisps. Oddly enough, the default flavor of crisp is cheese & onion. Plain “chips” are hard to find here. If you don’t go for cheese & onion, then other popular choices are salt & vinegar or prawn cocktail.Tayto
  • MUSTARD: Beware, mustard in Ireland is not the yellow stuff you’re used to. It’s much MUCH hotter. It’s more like raw horseradish. Use at your own risk.
  • THE LINGO: Let’s do this–Irish vs. American
    – Crisps = Potato Chips
    – Chips = Fries
    – Pies = Savory dinner pies
    – Tarts = Can be tarts, but more likely are full dessert pies
    – Pudding = Well, it isn’t dessert pudding. I still don’t know what the hell it is.
    – Courgette = Zucchini
    – Aubergine = Eggplant
    – Chicken goujons = Chicken tenders
    – Cheese toasty = Grilled cheese
    – Pancakes = Crepes
    – Sweets = Candy
    – Biscuits = Cookies

Pubs & Drinks

  • SPIRITS: Remember what I said about getting back to basics? That goes for drinks, too. Most pubs or bars don’t have a wide range of cocktails available–they’ll cringe if you even mention a Bloody Mary (learn to make those at home from scratch). Forget cotton candy-flavored vodka or whatever specialty liqueur you adore. No Moscow Mules. No tropical drinks with umbrellas. And the smaller the pub, the smaller the selection. Expect one or two types of vodka, one type of rum (probably not Captain), and probably no tequila. However, most pubs have a variety of gin, whiskey, and beer! If you aren’t getting beer, whiskey, or wine, here are the most common orders: Cider, gin and tonic, Irish coffee (coffee and whiskey), hot toddy (whiskey, hot water, cloves, lemon juice), or maybe a rum and Coke. There’s nothing wrong with just ordering coffee or tea, of course!

Continue reading “American Expats in Ireland: Ways in Which Life is Just a Bit Different”

Gilmore Girls: 100+ Things That Make No Sense

We all love our Gilmore Girls. Even Rory. A trip to Stars Hollow is magically full of vegetable-shilling troubadours, Bjork snow women, Kirk’s doggy daycare, and Taylor’s sexy beard. There’s nothing like it. But let’s be honest, as enchanting as the show may be, it is completely riddled with problems and things that make no damn sense. Some of them are flubs and bloopers, while many other issues defy the realms of logic, mathematics, and decency.

That Dragonfly magazine article, money issues, the Donna Reed dress, Lane’s father, Jason squatting and pooping in the corner of the Dragonfly’s dining room, and Trix’s disappearing fella. How many have you noticed?

It Just Makes no Sense…

  1. Lane magically owns her drum set, which at first she was just playing in the shop. That drum set was worth over $1,000. Where did she get the money?
  2. Taylor put a window in between his soda shoppe and Luke’s Diner. Not only does it serve zero purpose, but it’s hard to imagine Luke agreed to it. It’s just a filming device.
  3. Lorelai and Sookie catered a kid’s birthday party. Unless the Rockerfellers moved to Stars Hollow, who pays caterers and waitstaff to handle a Lord of the Rings 8 year-old birthday party?
  4. The potting shed. Did it have electricity? A refrigerator? Why does it have a toilet and tub in the first place? How about heat for the cold Connecticut winters? Basically, Rory and Lorelai shared a bed and had no kitchen, heat, or private toilet until Rory was an adolescent.
  5. Lorelai was ready to bail on her plans with Sookie to buy the Dragonfly (due to lack of dough) before she was willing to cancel her Europe trip with Rory. Even with backpacking and hostels that is an expensive trip over three months.
  6. Christopher wasn’t there for Rory’s high school graduation.
  7. When Luke and Lorelai decided to get married late at night at the gazebo, they woke up Lane, but not Sookie and Jackson.
  8. At Rory’s 16th birthday party (Stars Hollow edition), the only other teen at the party was Lane. The rest were unnamed adult townspeople. Did that girl have just no friends ever?

    Screen Shot 2019-07-03 at 10.46.08 AM
  9. Lorelai says that she and Rory took a train to Ireland to stalk Bono, but there is no train that runs between mainland Europe and Ireland. It’s an island.
  10. At the end of the evening during the Dragonfly’s test run, Jason disappears to use the toilet, turning right into the dining room–where there is only a corner. Did he just squat in the dining room?
  11. Rory is announced as the Chilton valedictorian before she takes her final exams.
  12. Emily and Richard’s house magically transforms in layout between seasons 1 and 2.
  13. On the first day of Chilton, Lorelai swears that her outfit is a last resort since all of her clothes are at the cleaners. So she sent every single pair of jeans? And all of her other t-shirts? Her shoes must all be off at the cobbler since she wears those cowboy boots.
  14. Stars Hollow the Musical didn’t star a single resident of Stars Hollow.
  15. In some exterior views of the Crap Shack, basement windows can be seen.
  16. Every now and then, mountains and palm trees are visible in exterior shots of various Connecticut scenes.
  17. Lane’s father. He’s mentioned constantly in season 1, and is still being referenced in season 4, yet clearly he doesn’t live in Stars Hollow. In fact, he doesn’t show up for Lane’s wedding (or baby shower, etc.).
  18. Dragonfly decorator (slash porn star) Natalie swears she wasn’t the one who told Emily that Sookie was pregnant. But if that’s true, who on earth did?
  19. Sookie and Lorelai were super excited to hire Natalie to decorate the inn, but when the inn was profiled in a magazine, Lorelai took 100% of the credit for the interior design.
  20. THAT FUCKING MAGAZINE ARTICLE: You know, the Dragonfly profile?–we’re supposed to believe that they threw a party for the cover article of the issue AND sent a limo for Lorelai (but Sookie and Jackson weren’t included). That is one fancy magazine.
  21. The Crap Shack’s washing machine and clothes dryer are out on the back porch. That’s pretty incredible considering Connecticut winters. And rainstorms.
  22. The Dragonfly Inn has a library (really, a library?) and massive reception sitting area, but no business center, bar, spa, gift shop, coffee bar, television viewing area, banquet room, conference room, kitchenette, or gym.
  23. It is a crazy amazing coincidence that in the teeny-tiny town of Stars Hollow, there just happens to be a vacant inn in disrepair.
  24. During the Christmas that Rory spent in London, if we are to believe that Lorelai really held off Christmas until Rory’s return, then she is an awful, cruel stepmother. Poor Gigi with no tree, no Santa, no gifts, no lights, no cookies. No Christmas. I wonder if Gigi is going to grow up and murder Rory someday.
  25. Since Mrs. Kim freaks out at the idea of a Bangles concert or Lane going a movie–and considering the “mom code” and all–it’s unthinkable that Lane was allowed to go to the Chilton party at Madeline’s house.
  26. Lorelai’s doggy swami booth for the winter carnival has unreal professional signage and props that would’ve cost hundreds, if not thousands, to manufacture.

    Screen Shot 2019-03-26 at 10.12.51 AM
  27. The emergency town meeting that Taylor called in the middle of the night (regarding the winter carnival) was allegedly at 4am. This is extra ridiculous because Taylor was vacationing in the same timezone as Connecticut, and his little nephew was still awake and throwing things at him.
  28. The audio-visual setup at the emergency middle-of-the-night town meeting was nonsensical. I doubt Taylor could see or hear anyone.
  29. The length of time it takes for Lorelai to persuade Luke to bid on her basket at the auction is excessive. The bidding would have been long over, and Lorelai would have a new basket beau.
  30. While full-term pregnant with Davy, Sookie is seen lying on her back. This would make not only her breathing difficult, but is also is hard on the baby. Doctors advise against it typically.
  31. After his audition, Gil walks away with his guitar case not latched in a useful way (you can see it hanging open).
  32. The Bracebridge Dinner–did the Independence Inn really foot the bill for the entire group to booze it up? Even if Lorelai refused to refund a lot of the banquet deposit, Mia and her sons probably wouldn’t be thrilled with her choice to open the bar, pay a harpist, burn through candles, use electricity and linens, and not do more to re-purpose some of the food for the restaurant.

    bracebridgedinner
  33. During Rory’s freshman year at Yale, she practically stops wearing jeans or anything rock n’ roll. Lots of skirts, even when she’s freezing cold. And we won’t get into the granny coats and doily scarves she dons at the age of 19.
  34. During the “a deer hit my car” frazzle, mother and daughter both present and accept the premise that Rory’s tardiness is solely caused by the deer. In reality, Rory overslept, and then opted to talk on a cell phone while distractedly driving, causing her to linger at a stop sign longer than she should have.
  35. Our Gilmore ladies spend an entire mall outing complaining that they’re totally “skint”, not buying a single item due to lack of funds. But a little later on they manage to purchase about $50 worth of food and beverages at the food court–a Big Mac and fries, pizza, a corndog, fried cheese on a stick, a wrap, sweet and sour pork, a kebab, 6 different beverages…and a few other indistinguishable things.
  36. During Lindsay and Dean’s marriage, Dean mentions that his father-in-law does a lot of things around their apartment, and that Lindsay has a list of tasks for him. That’s a little insane since her young, strong husband works in construction, not to mention he has strong automotive mechanical skills.
  37. We never hear a word about Emily’s parents. While we can presume that they may have passed, never mentioning them is a little out of place, and we never know her maiden name. We only know that Emily has a sister, Hope, who lives overseas.

    weve got magic to do 2
  38. Rory, Paris, Madeline, and Louise spent a spring break evening drinking booze out of party cups. The problem is, the cups are clearly empty the whole time.
  39. The horses at the Dragonfly. I’m really confused as to why such a small inn would decide to stable (and insure) horses for the occasional horseback rider. Surely it would’ve been much more cost-effective to contract with a local horse ranch to offer rides? And then the stables could be used for a better out-building?
  40. So Luke adds on to his apartment so another person can live there, but said person (be it Jess or April) gets no wall or door? No privacy for changing clothes?
  41. During Liz and T.J.’s wedding, not one car drives through the streets of Stars Hollow. Same with the reception.
  42. If you pay attention, there is an alarming number of background characters (extras) who interact with our favorite characters but are not permitted to speak (presumably so they get lesser pay/benefits). This means that a LOT of extras are forced to work with awkward smiles, nods, shrugs, head shakes, and then turn and walk away without a word. Lorelai’s hair stylist, wedding guests, waitresses, golf caddies, inn guests, grocery shoppers, guy who loses balloons, etc. I call them The Tongueless. How many of The Tongueless can you spot?
  43. Rory never joined the Life & Death Brigade. That’s strange since she had a major “in” with some of the most high profile members. Between that and her prominent family name, inclusion in their circle, etc. it makes no sense at all that she isn’t a member.

    Screen Shot 2019-03-26 at 11.25.45 AM
  44. Stars Hollow has a shoe repair shop (run by Pasquale). I’d ponder how it can succeed, but apparently Lorelai brings in a garbage bag full of shoes, all in disrepair and warranting paid repair? I hope Pasquale is secretly selling drugs.
  45. Little Miss Fairchild, prospective Yale student from Chilton, stays with Rory in her dorm room as part of some kind of program to get her a Yale experience. Nice, right? So where was that program when Rory was desperate to get into Yale?
  46. Remember those crazy expensive unnecessary Inn horses, Cletus and Desdemona? Within a year of the Inn opening, Lorelai talks about how she can store a bunch of junk like fake plants and Thigh Masters in “the old stable”. Poor Cletus and Desdemona.
  47. When Lorelai starts sleeping at Luke’s, he “picks up” a TV for her to fall asleep to. Except that he already had a TV…which you can see earlier in the episode. It’s sitting just around the corner from the bed.
  48. We get a special peek at Richard’s home office when he talks insurance with Lorelai, and he has very peculiar blue curtains with moons all over them. Not very Emily and Richard. (I want them.)
  49. The “Old Man Twickham goodbye”. There is no way a man gets every person in town to line up for hours to say goodbye. Quirky is one thing, but that is beyond surreal. Especially since we never heard one thing about Twickham before that.
  50. THAT FUCKING MAGAZINE ARTICLE: I’ve mulled and mulled how the writer could be interested in over-the-top stories about the owner’s wealthy mother, and it doesn’t jive. No one reading travel magazines (or anywhere in the world) gives two shits about the inn owner’s mom.
  51. The show uses the same door-closing and door-opening sound effect for not only Rory’s dorm rooms, but every other door on the show–including the door to Taylor’s trailer office at the Twickham house.
  52. THAT FUCKING MAGAZINE ARTICLE: Lorelai is embarrassed by her mother anecdotes and asks to have the article pulled, even though that means her business partners aren’t consulted and they will lose out on a much-needed business bump from such publicity.
  53. Apparently, there are Town Elders. Mysterious Town Elders who must be summoned and met covertly in steam rooms. And they exist in a single episode, and only then.
  54. Lor goes to France with Christopher and acts like she is clueless on how to speak French, despite having been there before.

    Screen Shot 2019-03-26 at 9.52.31 AM
  55. Sookie was super into knowing the gender of her first baby, but kept the second one a complete mystery. I guess that isn’t the craziest, zaniest thing this show does (unlike the Twickham goodbye line), but it’s inconsistent.
  56. Jackson’s vasectomy: I’ve studied up on this, trust me. Any man getting a vasectomy needs a urology consultation and a series of other appointments. There’s no way Sookie can just ship off her husband like that. Oops. Sookie, don’t be so stupid!
  57. Luke’s Diner has no public restrooms.
  58. After the big mother-daughter rift, Rory comes to Luke’s for a cup of coffee and to pout–except that she has no car (hers is being repaired after being impounded), and she has to get a ride from Emily to go anywhere. So how does she get to Stars Hollow at night like that?
  59. Jess shows up at the Gilmore mansion to reunite with Rory, and while I don’t object to the notion he skulked in the bushes, what is unbelievable is that he was there at about 2:30am with the expectation to bump into her casually (assume the bar closed at 2am, and Rory gave everyone a ride home.)
  60. Rory and Dean celebrate their 3-month anniversary–notably 3 months from Rory’s birthday in October–on the same night as the Founder’s Day Firelight Festival. But that would place the festival in January, and not only are workers/partygoers not dressed for Connecticut in January, many deciduous trees still have their leaves.

    Rory and Dean on a date
  61. Lane’s hair-dying foray is unbelievably fake. The wig they put her in is laughable.
  62. Rory seems unbelievably surprised that she needs more extra-curriculars than the newspaper to get into a top tier school. I only went for a *good* school, and I was editor of the school’s creative arts magazine, played violin in the symphony orchestra, and was props master for the drama club. Plus, I held down a part-time job. Eat that, Rory!
  63. Christopher and Logan bond by reminiscing over boarding schools from which they have been ejected. But that seems highly unlikely on the Christopher end: Chris and Lor first kiss at age 14 in the school parking lot (not “a” school parking lot). And two years later they both wear the same blazers (one of which has pizza stuffed in its pockets sometime) and Lor gets knocked up. So when, exactly, did he get kicked out of all those private schools?
  64. Okay, this one is more of a blooper, but in the episode “Star-Crossed Lovers and Other Strangers”, when Lorelai stands up from the kitchen table to get the phone, you can see that a boom mic drops into the shot.
  65. The Donna Reed dress. Where on earth does Rory get the Donna Reed dress (and matching pumps) from?
  66. We never find out the name of Sookie’s third baby. Nor the sex.
  67. It’s unclear how Richard and Emily are so wealthy. Trix and husband had exceptional wealth, granted, but aside from a trust fund, Richard likely wouldn’t have seen any of it until Trix passed. And apparently he needed a loan from her early on. Even as a successful insurance guy, still….I suppose Emily could’ve inherited a fortune early on.

    let the games begin
  68. Okay, Paris’s parents are awful and absent, but they didn’t move her into Yale? They didn’t attend graduation ceremonies? This was a missed opportunity.
  69. Babette and Miss Patty (et al.) seem far too interested to see Rory’s graduation from Yale in person. It may sound touching, but since they aren’t related, and they had no interest in the Chilton matriculation, why is it such a thing? Why are they over-stepping in such a way? And why are their expectations so high? For the record, my grandparents didn’t attend any of my THREE graduations.
  70. The bookcase that couldn’t possibly fit anywhere in the new Dragonfly Inn would have easily fit next to Rory’s desk in her room. And if not there, it would’ve definitely fit in the common room.
  71. Lane’s budget shopping trip for the band was crazy. She bought a few tiny bags of premium pretzels, even though a cheaper bulk bag was on the next aisle. Name-brand Pop-Tarts also seem luxurious.
  72. Just before the Dragonfly opens, Sookie injures her foot. Who are the men who carry her and drive her to the hospital like they’re part of the staff? They’re dressed in flannel and look like they’re part of the construction crew, but then how do they know which doc to take her to, and why are they driving her in the company van?
  73. When Liz tells Luke she’s getting married, she’s noticeably missing an earring.
  74. When Lorelai tries to comfort Rory with a living room tour of Asia, it’s seems entirely implausible that she scraped together all the props and decor. Miss Patty may have had the kimonos and a few items–but the posters? All the other crap? 
  75. Dean’s bedroom at his parents’ house is really weird. Lots of football and basketball trophies, except that the only sports team we know he was on was hockey. Weirder still, though, is all of the toy airplanes hanging from the ceiling. Dean moved to town at age 16. Did teenage Dean really hang toy planes?
  76. I’m just gonna say it–you can’t switch Mia actresses and expect me to be okay with it. Either Mia right or don’t Mia at all.
  77. Speaking of casting issues…while I adore the actress who plays Gypsy, it was jarring to see her re-cast as Emily’s maid in the Year in The Life episodes. Totally takes us out of the moment. 

    gilmore-girls-berta-gypsy-same-actress
  78. We’ve never seen Lorelai and Rory include Lane in a movie night. No Wonka. No Pippi.
  79. The first time we see Logan at the Yale newspaper office, Doyle takes three steps from Logan’s desk and starts loudly criticizing and bitching about him to Rory. Logan totally would’ve heard every word.
  80. Why the hell does Anne the Accountant advise so decidedly that the Dragonfly should cut lunch? I get why she cautioned that the meal was hemorrhaging money, but there are ten million options for fixing the lunch losses than totally cutting the meal and Sookie’s daytime role. Maybe Anne does hate Sookie.
  81. After Luke tells off Mrs. Thompson for making him move his boat, Lorelai insists on driving him back to the diner. Except that…Mrs. Thompson clearly lives just across from the gazebo, and even she could throw a stone and hit Luke’s.
  82. When Luke goes ape-shit honking at Rory’s limo in front of Doose’s, it isn’t clear how on earth the limo is inhibiting Luke or anyone else. It’s just parked fine along the curb. Luke’s truck is the only thing blocking the intersection.
  83. Where did Rory get backed poster boards of Marx Bros. movies? And the easels? And the blonde wig?

    Marty Rory duck soup
  84. When Logan and Rory bone for the first time, they start getting carnal with her curtains wide open in her first-floor room. Lots and lots of eye-witnesses.
  85. On the first day of Rory’s Stanford Eagle Gazette internship, she tells the receptionist that she’s never had a picture ID before, which of course is stupid. Not only does she presumably have a driver’s license, but also her Yale ID has a bad picture and once labeled her as “Rony”.
  86. During the Twickham museum episode, the timing is wackadoodle. They go to the opening right after breakfast (remember the cereal forts?), yet Patty has Founder’s Punch ready to go. Why? Whose idea is it to have a free cup of booze with museum admission at 11am-Noon? (And can I be their friend?)
  87. Rory, Paris, and Lane all get boozy on Founders Punch within hours of the museum’s opening–which happened midday. Then they are hungover the NEXT MORNING. What happened to their evenings and nights? Burritos would’ve made more sense at dinnertime the night before.
  88. THAT FUCKING MAGAZINE ARTICLE: In the limo after Lorelai’s alleged “magazine party”, Luke suggests he hasn’t been drunk in years. Apparently, he’s forgotten about the handful of Barbie last season when Jess chewed him out.
  89. So, Lorelai and Luke go raw dog, and the next morning, Lorelai supposes she might be having pregnancy cravings and ready for a pregnancy test. Has that woman learned NOTHING of reproductive biology?
  90. Lorelai says that Martha was born after 14 hours of labor. Nuh-uh. Sookie went into labor mid-afternoon–while she was supposed to be napping and the Gilmore Girls could set up a really lame surprise baby shower. BUT, Lorelai calls Rory about the birth just before noon the next day. (Mitchum notes that it’s about noon.)
  91. Hep Alien’s tour van doesn’t have its headlights on while the band is heading home in the dark.
  92. When Rory hires Paris as a waitress for the DAR fundraiser, Paris acts like she’s never worked hard in her life, and cites ancient Aramaic as one of her only qualifications. But this is the girl who built houses and served in soup kitchens since she was old enough to hold a ladle. Remember?
  93. When Rory begs Luke for 2 danish and 2 coffees (and ultimately denied because Luke and Lorelai are in a fight), she takes her single danish and coffee and walks out without paying.
  94. The ice cream maker that Lorelai receives as an anonymous wedding gift arrives without a box (or instructions, accessories, etc.). Not to mention it isn’t wrapped for postal delivery. So where did this used ice cream maker drop out of the sky from?
  95. After the Romeo and Juliet performance, Dean is fascinated to know if the kiss between Rory and Paris was real. Except that Paris failed to kiss Rory in the performance, so Dean may not have been paying attention.
  96. LAZY HAZY CRAZY DAYS OF SUMMER: There is a weird gold telescope that a looong line of people are waiting to glance through for less than a heartbeat. What on earth are they looking at midday? And one dude totally re-positioned the angle. Rude.
  97. LAZY HAZY CRAZY DAYS OF SUMMER: There is a dude working a cart behind Lorelai & Rory where he is pouring drinks into colorful cups. Except, he is pouring the teeniest-tiniest dribbles into each cup. Are they pure tequila or something? I mean, clearly the extra is trying to stretch out the entire pitcher through a long scene of pouring. But it’s insane.

    lazy hazy crazy
  98. LAZY HAZY CRAZY DAYS OF SUMMER: Miss Patty seems to be conducting the dancers, except that she’s standing behind them so they can’t even see her.
  99. During the all-night dance competition there are uniformed security guards–not military or anything, but they have custom shirts, wearing all black. So it’s not just that the local cops were watching for trouble. Who the hell thought that actual security was needed and worth paying for? What was supposed to happen? And where were they when Taylor called for security upon Jess’s entrance?
  100. THE INDEPENDENCE INN FIRE: I get that Lorelai cares hardcore about her guests, but putting them up in town homes? No. That would be creepy and dangerous for all involved. Rent a bus and take them all to the Holiday Inn in Woodbury, you creep.
  101. THE INDEPENDENCE INN FIRE: The Haddlestats. Oh my gods, the Haddlestats. There is no way in hell that they show up at someone’s home around 11pm-ish, demanding to get in on the emergency fun. What fetish are they into where they opt to sleep in a stanger’s bed with no warning, when they could be home? Lorelai should have 1000% told them there was no room and to go home.
  102. THE INDEPENDENCE INN FIRE: Sookie takes over Luke’s, which is just plain rude. Okay, let’s assume The Dragonfly will reimburse Luke for lost revenue and materials. Why do the guests need a gourmet breakfast? Get them boxes of doughnuts and trays of coffee, losers. This is an emergency, not a town takeover.
  103. THE INDEPENDENCE INN FIRE: The Poe couple sleeps in Rory’s room, which is full of Harvard crap. Then they get up and go to breakfast at Luke’s, which Lorelai supervises. By the time Rory heads back to her room in the wee morning hours to get dressed for school, her room is full of Yale crap. Was Fred the Poe Guy up at 2am stapling Yale sweatshirts to the wall? And how did Lorelai even get all that crap so fast, especially when considering she was a bit distracted with a terrible emergency.
  104. What’s up with Trix’s fella? So, she’s in the process of moving from London. So did he relocate from London to be with her? If so, why didn’t she shack up with him, rather than the tedious Emily-run household? Okay, maybe she just wanted to be closer to Richard, fine. Why would she invite her fella over to the house? And where does the fella live? Did he have a place to stay during the renovations?

    nuts in my hands
  105. The story of Jimmy Mariano abandoning Liz and Jess changes over the seasons. At first, he leaves when Jess is older. Then it changes that Jimmy took off immediately after Jess’s birth while out on a diaper errand.
  106. Let’s be very clear: Rory, the incoming Yale freshman is anything but “the most deserving kid ever”. And I want to slap many people in the mouth for the scene where Lorelai says so.
  107. I think Luke’s blowup in front of Nicole’s parents was supposed to be much more explosive. It was fairly unremarkable, but apparently the ‘rents called him many crude names for his quiet rant.
  108. While the Dragonfly is under construction, Lorelai complains for months (worth of episodes) that she is swamped with meetings. What meetings exactly? Sure, a plumber, printer, vendor, or permit meeting here or there can be expected. But I’m guessing that can’t take up more than 8-9 hours per week.

    an affair to remember
  109. Do you ever wonder about the set of milk bottles in the background at Luke’s (they’re sitting on the barrel). One of them is “full” of something white. What on earth is it?
  110. It’s sweet when Rory helps Richard figure out how to tie a bow tie for his mom’s funeral. Except…the man wears bow ties almost daily. So how is this a foreign concept?
  111. The show sweetly re-used the same actor for three different speaking roles. Charles C. Stevenson, Jr. played the teasing country club member, Julian (“Kill Me Now”), the confused reverend at Gran’s funeral (“The Reigning Lorelai”), and then Charlie the staffer at the Stars Hollow Gazette (Year in the Life). It’s nice unless you want to pretend that just maybe the show is real. Illusions and whatnot.
  112. When Cheating Rory decides from Italy that she has to get a letter to Dean, she overnights a letter to her mom. I mean, she had to, since she was scheduled to be home in just a couple days. Assuming she could even find a place to overnight the letter so quickly, it would’ve cost over a hundred bucks at least. Has this girl never heard of email? Or even fax? Or, ya know, waiting 2 days and talking to him in person. Or handing him a note her damn self.
  113. At the USO dinner party, Rory gives the servers their period-themed uniforms and tells them to go to work. At what point are they all getting their hair done? 
  114. When the New England Syrup Council visits the Dragonfly and does a group tasting in the dining room, Sookie and Lorelai stand in the doorway watching–and the two talk LOUDLY about how disgusting it is. Every one of those peeps heard them. Rude.
  115. Rory uses just one key on four or five locks to get into her ghetto college apartment. Can I get a whaaaaat?
  116. At the dinner where Lorelai tells Rory about discovering Luke’s daughter, Lorelai unpacks cartons of Chinese food that are clearly empty. Plus, the paper bag they came in has clearly never been handled, hugged, grabbed, or bumped. Super fake.
  117. The chairs in the Dragonfly dining room exactly match a couple of chairs seen in the Crap Shack during season 1. Did Lorelai find a supplier for her favorite household chair that she bought 5+ years ago?
  118. Don’t get me started on the yellow daisies. It was visually cute, but so implausible on a myriad of levels that my brain, it hurts.
  119. When mid-Dean-breakup Rory runs away to the grandparents’ house in Hartford, I’m genuinely puzzled as to how she got a taxi. She doesn’t have a cell to call one (just a pager). MAYBE she found a pay phone and then hid in town until it arrived to whisk her away? All I know is, there is no small town like Stars Hollow where cabs are just hanging out. Rory’s escape took a lot of time and planning.
  120. Chilton Rory is crazy naïve about what it takes to get into a good school (let alone an Ivy League school). How on earth is she surprised that volunteering and extracurriculars are necessary beyond just great grades? What is wrong with her?
  121. At Max and Lorelai’s engagement party, their present mountain is absurd. We’re talking at least 300+ presents. For an engagement (not even a wedding). She may be popular in town, but that’s an awful stretch.
  122. Again, we’re at Max and Lorelai’s engagement party and I recognize almost no one. Patty, Kirk, Sookie, yes. But no Babette, no Gypsy, no Troubador, no Taylor, no Bootsy, no Michele, no Joe the Pizza Guy. So how on earth did she get over 300 presents? Who the hell are these people?

This list will be updated periodically when more things pop into my dark, weird brain during re-watches. In the meantime, if you think you’ve stumbled upon something I’ve missed, be sure to add it in the comments section. Copper boom!

How to Play Darts (for Beginners)

The ol’ pub game of darts is the sophisticated gentleman’s game of precision and gentility refined over many generations…no, just kidding. It’s just simply the best game you can possibly play over a pint. Or gin. Or rum. Or pretty much anything. It’s fun, global, and it gives you something to do when the booze makes you twitchy.

I love darts.

Or, I think I love darts. I mean, I used to play on a velcro dart board that I was awarded for selling enough salami and chocolates at my third grade school fundraiser. And that was fun. Until the little velcro dots fell off the plastic dabbers, which never really stuck to the board anyway. But I felt cool thinking I was playing something resembling darts.

The real thing has been too intimidating. People who play real darts play it FOR REAL. And they don’t tend to like when amateurs step on their turf. It’s like that guy in the bowling alley in 2010 who screamed in my face and tried to have me forcibly evicted because I was there with my preschooler mid-afternoon and took four photos of her rolling the ball with her teddy bear. I was distracting to his very professional practice game. When he got in my face, I looked him in the eyes and told him to go fuck himself. I swear he really considered hitting me in the face.

That’s the type of shit that has scared me away from learning real darts. My teddy bear, too.

But it’s time. My husband received a real dart board (with pokey darts and all) for his birthday, and while I can hit the damn wall circle, I have no idea how to score or even take turns.

Hence this post.

Com’on gang. Let’s learn how to play darts. Real darts.

Know Your Dartboard

We can get into fancy lingo in a bit, but for now, take a look at a typical dartboard here.

You can figure your points based on where your dart hits. The numbers encircling the board indicate how many points you get depending on which wedge you hit (value between 1 and 20). If you manage to land in the thin red or green rings, you get either double or triple those points. (The outer black ring gets you nothing!) Take a look below.

Continue reading “How to Play Darts (for Beginners)”

Quarantine Diary

Well, this is a proper shitshow, isn’t it? It’s been almost three weeks of quarantine, during which time I haven’t left my house, save for a windy walk. Submitted for you now, a record of my Coronavirus isolation.

DAY 4:

I’ve begun counting the quarantine days as it now stretches beyond the point of normal hiding inside my pillow fort. Plus, I made it through my departed sister’s birthday yesterday, so I can focus on the abject terror of plague quarantine with fresh aplomb.

I don’t think all the voices in my head know yet that we’re imprisoned, and are just wondering when we get to go out and see the nice man who serves us gin for money. Shhh. Sleep, my darlings. You don’t need to know that it seems this will drag on for many, many weeks.

While I wait for them to awaken I go through the motions of working from home, which is natural for me. I am not Essential during a plague, or during not-plague. I know how to handle my shit and get intense work done while the family whinges around me. I am a pro. I’m going to do everything I can to own this quarantine. Reading, sewing, TV show binges. I can do this, and I can do this for a long fucking time. I hope.

DAY 5:

Ima need people to stop making memes about toilet paper. It isn’t cute.

Yesterday was the release of Nintendo’s Animal Crossing: New Horizons (or “AC” as I shall mention it for brevity’s sake). I would like to formally apologize to Nintendo executives, whom I have cursed repeatedly over delaying this title for so. fucking. long. It turns out you were just saving it as Quarantine sedative, weren’t you? (Ooooh, conspiracy theory!)

I’ve been playing this game since it’s first release in 2001 and have been an avid, rabid fan. This is just what I need to take my mind off of Sanjay Gupta, ventilators, and whatever the fresh hell Trump is saying.

I have peaches to trade, by the way. Peaches.

DAY 6:

I decided to work from bed today. But I am still insisting on wearing non-elastic pants during the day…such as it is. I admit to sleeping until about noon most days. But for at least five whole hours of my day I am kind of fit to be seen in public. I realize I’m starting to watch for neighbors to walk down the road so I can run out on my porch to wave at them. This happens never, because I live in the center of the middle of the farm next to nowhere. But I’m ready if someone does walk by.

Today is the Luxembourgish holiday of Bretzelsonndeg. Not making this up. I’m (newly) Luxembourgish, so I have decided to really embrace this. I am ready! See, on this day, a man in love is supposed to present his sweetheart with a pretzel. If she returns his love, she will present him with eggs at Easter. (A poor jilted man will have an empty basket and deep shame.) For days, I’ve been texting the Hubby about remembering to get me a pretzel. But I fear he has forgotten.

DAY 6 – Part Two:

It was nearly midnight and I had no pretzel. My poor Luxembourgish heart was ready to shatter when I saw a Facebook post relating to my missing pretzel. Egads! In Leap Years, the Bretzelsonndeg tradition is reversed. (So complicated!) So it is I who was supposed to present him with a pretzel, and then wait for eggs at Easter. What the hell is this, people?

Worry not, diary, I quickly remedied the situation by grabbing a tissue from the nightstand box (clean, I promise), and twisting it into a pretzel shape. I presented it to the Hubby while he was distracted with a Magic the Gathering tournament. Love wins!

Now I wonder what type of egg I will get at Easter.

DAY 7:

It’s been one week isolated in the house with the Daughter. Wine supplies are running low. Internet connection spotty. Husband keeps leaving bread crumbs on the countertop.

Tomorrow he goes back to work, as he has officially been deemed Essential, which makes him walk a little taller and act smug. I may throw some toast crumbs in his eyes later and see how he likes referring to me as “non-Essential” then.

DAY 8:

Dear Diary, this has been a fantastically marvelous day. First, the postman (also my next-door neighbor) delivered my bag-in-box wine. I have missed it so, ever since I moved away from the U.S. It’s such a bargain! People here in Europe don’t realize what they’re missing. But clever scamp that I am, I found a bag-in-box wine supplier online that ships to my door! And now I’m stocked for at least a few days. I’ve really outdone myself this time. Huzzah!

Then, Diary, the most exciting thing happened for a quarantined lady who had just cracked a box of wine! The doorbell rings (!), and it is my next-door neighbor informing me that roaming donkeys have entered my yard and are eating my grass! Wild donkeys.

In a panic of ecstasy, I ran through the house yelling “Donkeys, Janet! Donkeys!”. When Daughter ignored me, it occurred to me that she hasn’t read David Copperfield, and this great literary quote opportunity was completely lost on my audience. Crap.

Of course, this was the day when I gave up on pants. So my neighbor and his son saw me in some very unfortunate pajama shorts and stained t-shirt with pigtails askew. Nevertheless, I grabbed some ugly loafers and ran out into the yard. There they were, my very fuzzy new friends.

It appears someone had dumped them on the country road and drove off. So cruel. They look like they’re in good shape though, and Neighbor has agreed to keep them in his pasture until he can find a place for them.

I tell Neighbor that the box he delivered this morning was full of wine. He asks for the link.

donkeys1donkeys2

DAY 9:

I woke to the sound of donkeys braying. It made me smile.

Today I go back to wearing pants and actually brushing my hair. Lesson learned: One never knows when a neighbor may ring your bell to signal donkeys are in the yard. Always dress for company.

I decided to cut Daughter’s hair today. It did not go well. So short. She didn’t want more than a trim. Oops. Her vitriol was bubbling over so much, I insisted we go for a walk down the road so she could calm down. She wore a hoodie with the hood up, lest someone cross our path (no one did). She spent the entire walk cursing me and saying hateful things. I allowed it because it seemed like healthy venting, and she was actually getting physical exercise, especially when she began jogging back toward the house to get away from me.

Neil Diamond released a video of him performing “Sweet Caroline” with new quarantine lyrics, and my heart melted a little.

I played more Animal Crossing.

Luna AC

DAY 13:

I cannot even say what has happened over the last four days. It is becoming a blur, and every morning when I awake, I hear the Paul McCartney song, “Another Day”.

And I hate Paul McCartney songs. The lyrics are really awful to boot.

I play Animal Crossing everyday as a useful distraction, but today when I first tried to visit a friend’s island–hence, staying connected–I found that my router is the worst. Time to order a new one. And the isolation thickens.

We bought heating oil because it’s the cheapest it ever was since the beginning of time. The delivery truck showing up in a week should be good cheer.

DAY 14:

Just another day. I fell into the trap of watching Tiger King on Netflix. Goddammit. I feel so dirty now. What have I become?

Then at bedtime, husband turned to me in bed and said, “Oh man, CNN just cut away from a Trump Covid-19 press briefing because he asked the ‘My Pillow’ guy to speak”. I called him a big liar and laughed at him. No way. No way that’s real.

No way that’s real. No way….ah jeeeeesus. We’re all fucked.

Husband announced he’ll be working from home for the next three days. Afraid of having nightmares about the My Pillow Guy and Joe Exotic bumping uglies while Trump watches and calls it “beautiful”. Wine supplies holding for now.

DAY 15:

I’ve rallied to embrace a sense of purpose. Husband asked me to sew him a face mask, which I happily obliged. It felt nice to be…what’s the word? Essential.

Made Husband go out for a lengthy walk down our abandoned road. A Garda car passed us. Of all fucking things. And I knew the Garda! He breathalized me once during a random Christmas check (hey, I was fine), and we had quarreled over an insurance disc. But here he is, and I’m delighted to say hello. He seems no less delighted to see us and asks how we are. Human contact. Such a thing.

I celebrated by calling our favorite local restaurant and ordering takeaway pizza, which they do in a limited capacity. I also convince the owner to sell a few bottles of beer to go along with it, and for one evening the family is happy.

Husband tells me that a lot of people have been thinking of me and asking how I am. This tickles me since people tend to forget me pretty easily. I don’t remember the last time I smiled so much.

Keiko

DAY 16:

Spent the day in bed. Hard to muster excitement for the ol’ hamster wheel of life today.

Trump and the My Pillow Guy just held hands and ordered 100,000 body bags, while there are people in America still eating out and going to parties. Not a big fan of humanity today.

Tried to binge-watch Westworld. Huge mistake. I’m becoming more convinced that this is all a really sick version of The Truman Show. Also, if I turn out to be a robot, I think I’m okay with that.

DAY 17:

Okay, I got my ass out of bed and dressed myself, just in case of donkeys.

I filed my tax returns for both countries and then spent waaaaay too much time on Facebook. I fucking hate Facebook. But then I got into this whole “Name 10 things everybody loves but you hate” thing. To my surprise, it blew up! Nobody reads anything I write, ever. See: My Twitter account.

I guess people are desperate for connection. But now this scares me and I want to hide. I am a bundle of emotional contradictions.

Speaking of Twitter, I’ve begun correcting people who post incorrect Animal Crossing information, and the twats haven’t responded. I’m taking this personally.

Drinking lots of wine today, and since the newscasters keep telling me that Quarantining is saving lives, whenever my husband sighs at a wine refill request, I shout “JUST SAVING LIVES HERE!”.

Must order more boxed wine.


To Be Continued…

The American Voter’s Big Damn Choice: Principles vs. Power

Confess it now, I am registered as a Democratic voter in America. And if you’ve ever loved a sports team that consistently chokes in the playoffs, then you understand what it is like to support a party that struggles with its conscience so acutely. For every apology and resignation, for every political bean that wobbles on policies to meet poll-tested expectations, the party grows more and more flaccid.

However, disappointing as Democratic candidates and officials may be, they are not solely to blame for the party’s crushing losses. The voters are perhaps the most complicit. Yes, you. You with the protest votes. You with the disgruntled Facebook posts.

You, the voter, are the worst.

And this is probably because you have not yet recognized the empirical truth that there is a binary choice in American elections that never changes–no matter the politicians, the party, the year, or the economy:

You can vote for power, or you can let your principles vote against power.

I shouted this during Hillary Clinton’s run for the White House. Yeah, she never figured out an inspiring message and she sounded like a robot most of the time. Sure, she wanted it so badly that there was froth caked on the edges of her mouth for the better part of a year. That was gross.

But I sat back in horror, absolutely agog that so many of my friends and cohorts were willing to give away their power in favor of their principles by staying home on Election Day. Or voting for Jill Stein. Or writing in Bernie or Tyrion Lannister.

They bemoaned, Bernie “should have” won (except that he lost). Hillary isn’t progressive enough. The DNC played foul with the primaries. Hillary has dirt under her fingernails (as if most voters could actually describe the dirt in detail). She hasn’t spoken out on [fill in the blank] issue recently enough. She’s going to win anyway…

Yes, you and your principles did the nation dirty.

Your heart couldn’t help it. You were swayed by some kind of notion of honor or rebellion or fantasy. And so you commandeered a luxury you had no right to–the luxury of voting for your principles with no regard for the cold, hard reality of power. And, really, how dare you?

It’s good to have principles. They are fine and good for journals and diaries. They are moving at dinner parties.  It is a worthy fight to assert your heart’s courageous burnings when encouraging candidates to run, shoring up votes, raising funds, or (more importantly) advocating legislative electoral changes between election cycles.

But once the ballots are finalized, the time for principles has come and gone. If you want power, you choose between the Democratic nominee or the Republican. One of those two will win. One of those two will nominate judges. One of those two will impact climate change. One of those two will alter your health care choices.

If your principles ache in denial of reality, then I feel for you. Nothing about politics is fair. Damn straight, there should be a viable multi-party system. Damn straight, Iowa shouldn’t get to caucus first. Damn straight, the Electoral College shouldn’t supersede the popular vote. Damn straight, you liked that other primary candidate better.

It isn’t fair! It isn’t fair! It isn’t fair!

I know.

But now that we’ve gotten that whingeing out of our systems, we can touch back down to earth and accept the bleak truth that if you want power, you have to vote in the election that is real. Not the one in your fantasies.

Let’s put it this way: Suppose you sit down at a table with a Monopoly game laid out and begin shouting “But I want to play Scrabble!” You kick your feet and line up letter tiles along the edge of the board. The problem, of course, is that you’re going to lose. Because the game is Monopoly.

Play the game. Win the game. Take the power, as imperfect and compromised as it may be.

I truly hope that your principles may always intersect with the sober choice of handing someone power. But if they don’t, suck it up, stash your letter tiles away for another night, and start mortgaging your red properties before Aunt Griselda gets her sweaty racist mitts on both Park Place and Boardwalk.

Democrats, don’t you let me down again. Your principles aren’t high-minded and sexy when health, safety, and equality are on the line. Play the game in front of you. Play it for power.